At this picture. I had to share.
Can’t stop staring
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Yes, yes, yes
One of my friends recently commented on a girl saying, “That’s the type of girl that you marry.”
The woman he referred to was, by my estimation, innocent and gullible. Some guys are attracted to this type of vulnerability. I guess it’s not really my thing. Life is more interesting with a woman who’s been dealt enough bad hands in life to know when she’s got a good one. Give me someone who’s cheated and been cheated on, someone who’s broken a stupid law, someone who’s idea of a romantic night involves whiskey and gambling. Preferably, this person would also be absolutely nuts — a person who argues to make an insensible point because she’s bored and wants to piss you off. Give me a girl who reads and appreciates Charles Bukowski novels and idolizes Mae West and Lauren Bacall. Maybe I desire these traits in a woman because they’re a reflection of my own notions and experiences.
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Riddle me this
I’d like to know…
How is it possible for a tube of toothpaste to go missing?? This is definitely a show-stopper kind of question (world changing really). Personally, I have become absolutely fixated on the fact that one morning I woke-up, used my toothpaste and went to work….and then I came home and it had vanished.
Why?!?! Where is it?!?
One possible theory:
There are not screens on windows here. Did a bird swoop in and get it?! Doubtful.
Other theory:
I’m convinced that one of my roommates dropped it in the toilet and then tried to cover it up by throwing it away (sorry rooomies).
Ok…that is all. Happy weekend!
Spotted Last Night
A naked man with aluminum foil lovingly wrapped around his junk.
Yes….aluminum foil ONLY.
Don’t worry, though, San Francisco has a new law that requires naked people sit on a towel if they choose to sit anywhere public.
Thank God.
Self-Improvement Month
Many moons ago (8 years to be exact), my bestie and I started this thing called “Self-Improvement Month”. It came into fruition for many reasons:
1) We were in college and drinking a lot. Like, so much that when you would get up to go to your 8:00 class you weren’t even hungover. Ish. Plus I vividly recall seeing a picture of myself where I actually think I was green….”sallow” as some like to call it.
2) We had a bad habit of waking each other up at 3:00am to satisfy a craving for Perkin’s BLT Bread Bowl Salad sub crispy chicken with both ranch and honey mustard (it’s good for you because there’s lettuce in it right?!)
3) We started blaming the “hot dryers” for our “shrinking clothes”. That’s just stupid.
4) I remember buying a Sam’s Club case of “Yohoo!” because I just felt I needed the fake chocolate milk so bad. Christ.
5) I could no longer run a mile….even if my life depended on it.
6) Well, you know that thing that girls…and boys…do in college, where they get really gross and wake-up in the morning feeling pretty damn regretful of their last night actions??? Party panties, excessively calling an ex (dial, hang-up, repeat), falling off bar stools, puking in front of a party house, throwing cups and getting kicked-out of bars, smoking cigarettes (puke), among other things that frankly I’m too embarrassed to admit, because I know my mother reads this. Yah, those things…well, those were happening a little too often. I was getting to look like the rough girl (or as my mother always says…”she looks like she was road hard and put away”). I didn’t really like myself…nor was I happy.
Needless to say, her and I had hit what some call rock bottom. After all, I do recall Rascal Flatts “The Broken Road” being played over and over again that month…and that’s just low.
Ok, so where am I going with this?!
San Francisco is interesting because literally everything you do here somehow revolves around eating and drinking.
“Hey Friend, want to go lay out in the sun?”
“Sure! Let’s get pounders before we go!”
I literally feel like I could be going to freakin’ church and someone would suggest a jug of wine “for the road”.
That said, I think I’ve been a little bit over indulgent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in moderation, but this….this is disgusting. Every Sunday I wake-up wondering what the hell I did to myself, and that friends…that’s great for a college student, but for a 26 year-old? I would put that in the not-so-hot category.
Hence “Self-Improvement Month”.
It’s a month where you literally only focus on bettering yourself (I know what you’re thinking…oh shit, Amanda’s getting deep I’m going to stop reading now). You say no to boys who annoy you, you give booze the middle finger and you run your patooty off. Overall, you spend a month taking care of you and not giving in to social pressures, and we all need that every once in a while right?
November 1 (tomorrow…yes), is officially marking the start of my Self-Improvement Month.
I’m thinking facials, new hair style (or at least a solid dye job), reading, writing, running…and ummmm not sure what else, but I’ll keep you posted:)
Wish me luck.
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Oh hey, it’s me…
80 years later….
Yah, I know. It’s been AGES. I hope all of you accept my apology. Transition is a bitch…like the kind of bitch you want to punch in the face at a bar because she keeps flicking her hair back (you know in that “I have entirely too long of blonde hair it’s borderline amish and I think if I keep touching it this boy will like me” sort of way) and it keeps whacking you in the face (yah that happened).
I realize that for the most part this blog is about me, my life and the crazy shit that happens (which believe me has NOT changed), HOWEVER, I really don’t want to dedicate my first blog post in 4 months to me, well…talking about me and how I’m doing and where I’ve been and how nice the weather is and frankly how strange it is being removed from cold weather (my body is wondering what the fuck is up).
San Francisco has been, well….interesting. Admittedly my first few months were a little rough. It’s one of those things, though, where you don’t realize how crazy it really was and how in-limbo your life seemed until you are FINALLY settled and can look back and be all like “Whoa, what just happened?!”
Truthfully, I haven’t gotten a chance to write, because I commute a few hours each day, work a little longer than usual and sit in front of a computer using social media ALL DAY LONG. Literally…all day long. So the idea of coming home, opening up my computer and writing using a form of social media seemed like vomit on a college boys dorm room bathroom floor. I’m over it though and I’m ready to hop back on the blog train once again.
For the record, this 4 month hiatus has provided me with some seriously rocking stories. Like…shit you can even find in a movie and I can’t wait to share:) Where to begin….
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$9.25 for your child’s allergy medicine?? Sure! Why not?!
I’m starting to wonder if my street is one of those streets that maybe you shouldn’t live on….
I live in a nice, family-orientated neighborhood so I’m trying to figure out if maybe all of the weirdos have a radar and they are sensing I’m in their area?? They must know that I need stories for my blog.
Last night I was dozing off to Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels (why not, right?) when the doorbell buzzed. “Ok, weird,” I thought, “I’m not suppose to have visitors for another few hours….hmmmm.”
So I go downstairs and see a lady sitting outside my front gate. Being the smart city-girl that I am, I decided that maybe it was wise to NOT open the iron door.
“Hi ummm, I’m your new neighbor and I just wanted to stop by to say hi.”
Oh! How nice. She’s introducing herself. Maybe I shouldn’t make her stand behind the iron gate? Maybe she wants to come in? Be smart, Amanda, be smart.
“My family and I just moved into the apartment next door and we just found out that there use to be cats that lived in the apartment before us.”
Cats? Why does she feel the need to tell me about her apartment’s prior animal history?
“My daughter actually has terrible allergies to cats. I took her to the doctor and he gave us a prescription.”
Neat-o! Props to the doctor that gave you a prescription? Again, why the fuck are you telling me this?
“My husband is a working man…and I work as well. He actually works until 11 tonite. I really need to get this medication for my daughter, but I don’t have any money until he gets home.”
Wait a minute. Is this lady seriously about to ask me for money through the iron gate? Is she actually trying to make herself more legit my claiming employment?
“I’m wondering. Do you have $9.25 I can borrow until he gets home?”
$9.25. Not $10…$9.25 to be specific. Did this lady really think she was going to take me??
“No,” I said, “I do not.”
That was it. She didn’t put up a fight, nor did she say “Please, please, my daughter is choking on her on throat….at least let me borrow a phone.” She just upped and walked away…
In reflection, she was totally using a script, and I am NO fool. Makes me think about the stories I’ve heard from friends in Minneapolis who have been taken my ladies who need money for formula. Pimping out your child (or fake-child) for $10…not cool.
Then there’s a part of me that actually wonders if her child did need allergy medicine…in which case I’m going straight to hell.
Lessons in San Fran
Always deadbolt your front door, or so I have discovered since living here. Hello Amanda…THIS AIN’T KANSAS ANYMORE!!
A few days ago I was sitting in the living room enjoying a little vino….I heard the door open and thought it was my roommate. I was about to peak around the corner and holler, ”WHAAATTT UPPPPP???” You know…like on Scary Movie (that’s so 1998), and realized that the person walking up my stairs was not my roommate…nor was he a friend of any of my roommates.
The guy actually looked like a 70 year old bum. Mmmmkkkk…..
I sat on the couch watching this guy dig through the mail. He gave a good “fuck yeah” when he found what he was looking for. My mouth was just hanging wide open.
After putting “a” and “b” together I realized that this was Clint (the old roommie that was evicted) and he was excited to find his unemployment check.
The weird thing is he was literally 2 feet away from me AND I had the TV blasting (I was, after all, watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians)…but he didn’t actually ever acknowledge my existence.
“Apparently” he returned his keys….but seems like someone also took a trip to go ol’ Hardware Hank before moving out.
I will also like to say I was SUPER annoyed, because OF COURSE it was one of those things where NO ONE else was around. One roommate just happened to be taking a shower and the other was gone. Of course…
Note to the parents: Don’t worry. I’m fine. Our locks were changed today.
Lesson learned.
Reasons I Secretly Dislike Getting Pedicures
Again…another long title. I may need some help with my copy-writing skills???
So, before I left on this adventure I had decided that I DESERVED a pedicure. I seriously had been working my ass off lugging boxes of kitchenwear, books, sports equipment, etc… up and down stairs WITH a sprang ankle (may I add). That’s probably the reason my ankle still feels like poo and looks like I have only one cankle….not two…just one.
Anyway, in a girl’s world pedicures are like little treats to ourselves. “I had a long week at work…I deserve a pedicure for that,” or “Johnnie broke-up with me…let’s get a pedicure and bitch about him.” Believe me…women will probably try to find any reason they can to get a pedicure.
So I reasoned it out that I deserved one because I was stressed and working my ass off…plus I’ve been dying to laquer-up my nails with some bright orange polish. My reasoning: “I’ve seriously been working so hard to get my shambled life together. I DESERVE to have my feet gently massaged and loved a little.” DONE!
So I go to the nearest pedi place…it was a new one for me, but looked legit. To be honest…some times the best places to get pedicures are the places that look like they’re breeding rats. Not this place, though….it was clean! Extra bonus.
Admittedly I was a little hesitant to get my feet rubbed, because after all my toes were black and blue and my ankle was still crazy swollen from my run-in with the sidewalk a few weeks earlier. I figured that my pedi lady would see my bruises and be gentle. Plus, maybe a massage would be good for it??? Get the fluids moving a little (eww….fluids)??
So I walk in, grab a magazine and dip my disgusting feet into the water. Right here is where I would like to stop and talk about the things that I HATE in regards to pedis. As in…sometimes when I get my feet done I have legit anxiety…like “I’m sweating” anxiety.
Ok- so for one, I seriously have an issue with not being able to understand people’s accents. I think I may be losing my hearing to begin with, but then on top of it I CANNOT decipher ANY sort of accent. Even when I was in Australia…and they spoke english…I was clueless. SO…when the lady doing my nails tries to talk to me I inevitably end-up saying “What?? What??” and then I feel like a total ass for not understanding. THEN I get anxiety over feeling like an ass. It’s really just one big giant mess to be honest.
To add to my anxiety it’s like the lady can totally tell I’m paranoid and starts talking a different language to her coworker. Clearly a language I do not know. Let’s be real here…the lady isn’t talking about the weather or how cute my pinky toe is. You KNOW she’s talking about that one hair on my toe that’s too long or the fact that I’m a totally clueless bitch when she’s trying to talk to me. Someday…someday I would like to be fluent in that language and be able to say “Thank you…” or something clever.
So already this is just a mess. I’m staring at my phone wondering how much longer till I can sit under the weird UV light that will secretly dry and harden my nails….
Anyway we get to the massage part. I’m totally not the person that closes my eyes to relax while my feet are massaged…and by the way…I think it’s weird that people do. So I’m sitting there pretending to read my People when CHOP CHOP CHOP…I look down because of the pain shooting-up my ankle…she’s karate chopping my legs. Yes, perhaps this feels good without a sprang ankle, but my Jesus Almighty…that hurt, and the worst part was I didn’t say a word! I just thought well that’s over with, I’m certain that was it, but then of course BAM BAM BAM….she’s pounding, just pounding the shit out of the sides of my legs with her fists. WHAT THE FIZZNICH (I told my mom I wouldn’t use the world fuck anymore…btw)??
In all the years I’ve been secretly suffering through these pedis I have never had my legs chopped or pounded. Like I said, I’m sure I would have enjoyed it had my left ankle not been like that Marshmallow guy’s on Ghostbusters. A part of me thinks that perhaps she saw that my ankle was swollen and bruised and wanted to inflict pain. She knew I wasn’t going to be the person to say something. What a bitch.
That was that then…I put my sandals back on and hobbled away. A sad site I’m sure….
Will I ever get a pedi again?? Of course I will….it’s girl code to say yes when someone asks you to get one. Will I enjoy it??? Not really. Will I tip a bunch?? You know what…no…no I will not.
This was clearly too long of a post for this sort of thing, but I’ve literally been thinking about it for 2 weeks…just brewing-on it. So thank you for letting me bitch.
Happy Thursday!!!!!!
Things I Learned/ Thank God That Part is OVER
That is probably one of my longest titles ever. Whatevs…I couldn’t think of something short and quirky…
Anywho. I’m here. I made it…I know you all were super worried, but most likely not:)
So, with that said. I’m hoping this will be my last post about moving, because let’s be honest…it’s probably getting really old to read.
This is a list…a long list…I’m not going to sugar coat it…about things I learned along the way. I figured I’d do one giant post about all of this wonderfulness and then put it to rest! Yah!
#1 Packing is a bitch. It’s that stupid bitch that is so freakin’ naggy unless you give her the proper amount of attention. Seriously..it was never-ending. However, all of the cute little goodies I found totally make-up for the crapiness of packing.
For example: My 7th and 8th grade yearbooks.
So Sexy.
#2 There is nothing like a solid group of people to support you and route for you. I miss the crap out of my friends and family already. But…I just feel like right now would be a good time to thank each of you. If not for your support, I wouldn’t/couldn’t. You are all the bizzomb!
#3 Music, sunflower seeds and giant tap diet cokes over ice saved my life. Music I love right now? Bon Iver and Foster the People. Wonderful…just wonderful.
#4 Nebraska is very similar to driving through ND. With that said, it occurred to me that if hell exists it would be a never-ending drive through either of those states for me.
#5 There is something creepy about a guy with a belly button ring. Bachelor party or not…it’s gross. Yes…that’s a dangly heart hanging from his button. I should also mention that it was SUPER fresh…still even a little bit of blood. Super attractive.
#6 I’ve decided that someday when I do procreate that I would like to live in an area like Wyoming (but probably not Wyoming) where I can take my kids hiking and skiing. Just thought I’d put it out there. Maybe that will stop them from getting into trouble?? Probably not.
#7 A foot out the window looks kind of cool and relaxed, but to be honest it just made my foot fall asleep, and I found myself highly paranoid that I was going to get pulled over for it.
#8 Salt Lake City blew my mind. It could have also been the elevation….The Mormons know how to pick em.
#9 Time passes quicker when driving if you pretend like you’re in a music video. Hand movements and all.
#10 I think I went brain dead on my 12 hour trip between Salt Lake City and SF. Like literally…couldn’t tell you one thought I had.
#11 No-Doze works….
#12 I actually think that the movie “The Hills Have Eyes” was based off of a true story. I believe that I took a potty break in the Nevada town that it inspired it.
#13 Nevada is gross. At least northern Nevada is.
#14 I know I’m over-tired when…..I cry at a Dolly Parton song. Actually, I believe I sporadically cried at least 10 times over the course of this past week. Including when I was at breakfast with my brother…in the middle of my own sentence…I’m an emotional mess right now!
#15 I don’t think I’m out of shape…but Jesus these hills are killing me.
#16 Mama’s got a great view of the city from her kitchen window.
#17 Currently I’m sitting by myself in a restaurant eating lunch…next to a couple that isn’t talking to each other. Not sure which of us looks stranger…And yes, I was just the person that took a picture of her lunch breakfast.
#18 This girl needs to start working again. I actually think my brain is turning to mush from lack of use.
#19 I’m ready for visitors!!!!!!!!!!